Jokes dating one liners

“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.” – Unknown 27. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis 35. “There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.” – Doug Stanhope 48. “The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” – Lenny Bruce 51. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno 54. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld 56. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” – Joan Rivers 57.“Consider the daffodil…and while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff.” – Jack Handy 28. “They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” – Jimmy Carr 41. I used to teach class like this, – Maragaret Cho 43. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin 52. “I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece…” – Sarah Silverman 55.

“Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” – Unknown 26. In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'” – Doug Benson 47. “I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor 50.“I told him to be himself, that was pretty mean I guess.” – Roger Sterling 29. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey 30. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. That’s where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.” – Patrice O’Neal 37. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg 38. “There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK 42.“I taught Sunday School for two years. “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen 44. “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. “My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis 31. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield 39. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan 40. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin 13.“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” – Unknown 14.

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